Love, Loss, and International Borders: Green Card Holder’s Dilemma

Dear Dr. Sami,


I recently received my green card as part of my journey to become a U.S. citizen after marrying my American husband. I’m gay, and we’ve built a life together here that means everything to me. But now I’m facing a heartbreaking dilemma. My mother recently passed away in Indonesia, and I feel a deep need to attend her funeral and settle her estate. It’s a responsibility I can’t ignore, yet I’m terrified that if I leave the U.S., I might be denied reentry. The thought of losing my husband, my home, and the career I’ve worked so hard for is overwhelming. Should I risk going to Indonesia, or stay here and let this go unresolved?

– Balancing Act

Dear Balancing Act,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is heartbreaking enough, but to have that grief compounded by immigration fears makes it all the more overwhelming. You’re standing at a painful crossroads—between honoring your mother and protecting the life you’ve built with your husband.

First, let’s address the legal concerns.

As a green card holder, you have the right to travel internationally, but there are risks. If you stay outside the U.S. for too long or if immigration authorities question your intent to remain a permanent resident, you could face complications upon reentry. To minimize these risks, take the following steps:

    1. Consult an Immigration Attorney – Before making any decisions, speak with a lawyer who specializes in immigration law. They can review your case and help ensure your return is as smooth as possible.

    2. Carry Strong Documentation – If you decide to travel, bring proof of your ties to the U.S., including your marriage certificate, employment records, lease/mortgage, and tax filings. These documents reinforce your commitment to living here.

    3. Limit Your Time Away – Short trips (ideally under six months) are less likely to raise concerns. If necessary, explore whether estate matters can be handled remotely or through legal representation in Indonesia.

    4. Consider a Reentry Permit – If you anticipate needing more time abroad, applying for a reentry permit before you leave may provide additional security.

Now, for the emotional side.

Grief doesn’t always wait for immigration logistics to fall into place, and the idea of not being present for your mother’s funeral is a heavy burden. If the risk of leaving feels too high, find ways to honor her memory from afar. Hold a ceremony with loved ones here, contribute to a cause she cared about, or engage in a personal ritual that connects you to her.

This is an agonizing choice, but you are not alone. Your husband, your chosen family, and your community can help you navigate this moment. Prioritize both your heart and your future—you deserve to grieve and to keep the life you’ve worked so hard to build.

With compassion,
Dr. Sami Milan

#GreenCard #ImmigrationConcerns #LGBTQRights #FamilyDuty #HomeAndHeartParentingAdvice #LGBTQConversations #FamilySupport #UnderstandingYourChild #NavigatingRelationships #SummerPlans #DrSamiMilan

03/15/25: Love, Loss, and International Borders: A Green Card Holder’s Dilemma
02/15/25: Carrying the Weight of Silence: Time to Tell My Mother the Truth?
01/15/25: Friend, Boyfriend? Navigating Sensitive Areas with Your Adult Child
12/15/24: Love Without Borders: Facing Family Reaction to Interfaith Romance
11/15/24: How to Keep Family Safe Without Hurting Mother-in-Law’s Feelings
10/15/24: Balancing Compassion, Practicality: Sponsoring Family Member in Need
09/15/24: Dating, Health, Honesty: Should I Share STD Status with My Partner?
08/15/24: Breaking the Cycle: Take Control of Drinking to Save Your Marriage