How to Keep Family Safe Without Hurting Mother-in-Law’s Feelings

Dear Dr. Sami –

My mother-in-law wishes to visit us from another state. We have three children under the ages of ten. My mother-in-law tends to drink excessively, often in secret, and smokes cigarettes incessantly. My deepest fear is that she could fall asleep, smoking, and catching her bed — and then our house — on fire. I want to be polite, but I’m not willing to risk the lives of my family. My wife believes her mother’s drinking is “normal”and that I exaggerate the risk simply because I don’t like her. That is not the case. Any ideas?

– Frustrated in Philadelphia

Dear Frustrated in Philadelphia,

You are in a tough position, balancing a genuine concern for your family’s safety with the desire to maintain peace in your home. It’s clear that you care deeply about your children, your wife, and even your mother-in-law’s well-being, but the situation is complicated. It’s not easy to talk about sensitive topics like drinking or smoking, especially when it involves someone close to your spouse, but your concerns are valid.

Having the Conversation with Your Wife

The first step in navigating this situation is to approach your wife with the understanding that this issue isn’t about disliking her mother. It’s about ensuring the safety of your family, something both of you share a deep commitment to. Rather than starting the conversation by addressing your concerns about her mother directly, you could frame it as a discussion about family safety:

“I know how much you want your mom to visit, and I do too, but I’m really worried about our safety during her stay. I love having her here, but there are some things that make me nervous, like her drinking and smoking, especially around the kids. I know we’ve talked about this before, but I really feel it’s important to take steps to protect our home.”

By leading with the shared goal of safety, you invite your wife into the conversation without making it feel like an attack on her mother. You might also want to be specific about what worries you—such as your fear of a fire due to her smoking in bed, which is a legitimate concern.

Talking About Your Mother-in-Law’s Behaviors

It’s possible that your wife hasn’t seen the behaviors you’re describing, or she might not want to see them. This could be a result of denial, or it could simply be that your mother-in-law hides her habits better when she’s around your wife. When discussing the drinking and smoking, avoid making accusations; instead, focus on specific behaviors and how they affect your family’s safety. For example:

“I know we both want the best for her, and I understand that you don’t see the drinking as a big issue, but I’m really worried about her safety. I’m afraid she might fall asleep while smoking, and I can’t help but feel like it’s a real risk to all of us.”

By keeping the conversation focused on the issue at hand—safety—you avoid getting into a debate about whether or not she drinks excessively. You’re coming from a place of love and concern for the whole family.

Balancing Safety with Family Relations

To prevent this from becoming a rift between you and your wife or her mother, it’s important to suggest practical solutions that can safeguard your family. You might consider things like:

    •    Offering to book a hotel for your mother-in-law nearby, so she can still visit without staying in the house.
    •    Setting boundaries in advance, such as designating certain areas of the house where she is not allowed to smoke or drink, if possible.
    •    Suggesting activities for her that are enjoyable but not centered around alcohol or smoking—things that can still foster connection but don’t put your family at risk.

If you do decide to allow the visit, make sure to create a plan for safety, such as monitoring smoking areas, and make it clear that if the drinking or smoking becomes excessive, it will impact the visit.

Ultimately, Protecting Your Family

If your wife understands that your concern is rooted in protecting your family and not about disliking her mother, you may be able to find a solution that works for everyone. The key is having the conversation with care and respect, and being clear that your love for your mother-in-law doesn’t mean you’re willing to risk the safety of your wife and children.

Warmly,
Dr. Sami Milan

#FamilySafety #ParentingAdvice #HealthyBoundaries #ProtectingYourFamily #FamilyDynamics #DrSamiMilan

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