Dear Dr. Sami –
Our son has brought back the same male friend from college for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and never mentions dating any girls. In high school he took a girl to the senior prom, but they seemed to have had a bad evening and he never discusses it. He is now asking if his friend can summer with us on the Vineyard. If it is just a friend, I don’t think it’s appropriate. It’s actually rather expensive to host for such an extended time. But I am open-minded and if this is my son‘s boyfriend, I think I should. How can I broach the conversation?
– A Modern Mom
Dear Modern Mom,
It sounds like you’re approaching this with both sensitivity and a desire to respect your son’s choices, which is wonderful. It’s natural to want clarity before making a decision that affects your home and finances, but it’s also important to create space for your son to share openly—without feeling like he’s being interrogated or pressured.
Creating a Comfortable Opening
Rather than directly asking if this is his boyfriend, consider a more open-ended approach. The goal is to make him feel safe expressing himself, whether or not he’s ready to label the relationship.
You might start with something casual:
“I’ve noticed that [friend’s name] has become a big part of your life—you’ve invited him for the holidays, and now you’re hoping to have him with us for the summer. I’d love to understand more about your friendship and what makes it so special to you.”
This gives him the chance to share without feeling like you’re making assumptions. If he’s comfortable, he might naturally clarify whether they’re just close friends or in a romantic relationship.
Reading Between the Lines
If he sidesteps the question or gives a vague answer, it might mean he’s not ready to discuss it, or he may not even have fully defined the relationship himself. That’s okay. If you suspect he’s hesitant because he’s unsure of your reaction, a simple reassurance—“I just want to make sure I’m being thoughtful about our plans and supportive of you”—can go a long way in making him feel safe to open up.
Considering the Hosting Aspect
Regardless of their relationship status, it’s fair to discuss the practical implications of hosting his friend for the summer. You could say something like:
“We love having your friends visit, and I want to be sure we plan in a way that’s comfortable for everyone. Hosting someone for an entire summer is a big commitment—financially and logistically. Can we talk about how this would work?”
This allows you to address your concerns without making it about his sexuality. If he insists they’re just friends, you can express that hosting someone for such a long period feels like a different level of commitment than a short visit.
Letting the Relationship Unfold
If he does confirm that they’re in a relationship, your response sets the tone for how safe he feels being open with you moving forward. A simple, “I appreciate you sharing that with me. You know I love you, and I just wanted to understand where things stand,” helps keep the conversation warm and nonjudgmental.
No matter the outcome, your willingness to approach this with an open mind and a loving heart will strengthen your relationship with your son. And whether his friend is a best friend or a boyfriend, the most important thing is that your son knows he is accepted and supported.
#ParentingAdvice #LGBTQConversations #FamilySupport #UnderstandingYourChild #NavigatingRelationships #SummerPlans #DrSamiMilan
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