By John Laing, Bangkok

Cairo — Reginald Featherbottom, a young man whose spectacles perpetually threatened to slide down his nose, stared at the telegram as if it were a cobra poised to strike. “Suez Camal?” he whispered, the words echoing in his dusty Cairo flat. He adjusted his pince-nez, a gesture that did little to improve his comprehension.

The wire, a thin sliver of imperial arrogance, had arrived that morning: “IMMEDIATE STOP SUEZ CAMAL OPENING STOP DETAILED ARTICLE REQUIRED STOP URGENT STOP LONDON.”

Reginald, a correspondent for The London Clarion, had expected a dispatch about the grand opening of the Suez Canal.

He had even prepared a few suitably flowery phrases, something about “linking East and West” and “the triumph of British engineering.” But “Camal”? Was it a new species of camel? A mechanical marvel, perhaps, a steam-powered beast of burden?

He poured himself a tepid cup of tea, the liquid the colour of the Nile after a particularly vigorous sandstorm. “Camal,” he muttered again, stirring his tea with a pencil. “It must be a metaphor. A peculiarly British metaphor, no doubt.”

He consulted his well-worn copy of Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. Nothing. He rummaged through his collection of obscure Arabic dictionaries. Still nothing.

He even considered asking his landlady, a formidable woman with a voice like a desert wind, but the mere thought sent a shiver down his spine.

“They wouldn’t send me on a wild goose chase, would they?” he asked his drooping rubber plant, which offered no reply. “But then again, it is The Clarion.”

Determined to unravel this journalistic enigma, Reginald decided to embark on a quest. He packed his pith helmet, his notebook, and a flask of lukewarm tea, and set off into the bustling Cairo marketplace.

“Excuse me, sir,” he asked a turbaned merchant, “have you heard of the Suez Camal?”

The merchant raised an eyebrow. “Camal? You mean jamal? Camel? Many camels here, effendi.”

“No, no,” Reginald insisted, “the Suez Camal. It is a new… thing.”

The merchant shrugged and returned to haggling over dates. Reginald wandered through the labyrinthine alleys, asking everyone he encountered about the mysterious “Camal.” He inquired of camel drivers, spice vendors, and even a travelling magician who claimed to be able to pull rabbits from his fez.

Days turned into a week. Reginald, increasingly sunburnt and bewildered, found himself deep in the desert, following a rumour of a “giant metal beast” sighted near the Suez region. He imagined a colossal, steam-powered camel, its gears whirring, its nostrils puffing out smoke.
He finally arrived at a small Bedouin camp, where he encountered a wizened old man with eyes as ancient as the pyramids.

“The Suez Camal,” Reginald began, his voice hoarse, “have you seen it?”

The old man chuckled, a dry, rasping sound. “Camal? You mean the canal, effendi? The big water ditch?”

Reginald’s heart sank. “The… canal?”

“Yes, effendi. Very big. Many ships.”

He showed Reginald the direction, and Reginald found himself staring at the Suez Canal, a magnificent feat of engineering, just as he originally thought. He realized with a sinking feeling, the cable office in London had simply misspelled “Canal.”

He returned to Cairo, defeated but determined to write his article. He penned a piece about the canal, carefully avoiding any mention of “Camals.” He described the ships, the dignitaries, and the sheer scale of the undertaking, adding a few flourishes about the “enduring spirit of British ingenuity.”

A few weeks later, another telegram arrived. “EXCELLENT ARTICLE STOP CAMAL METAPHOR MUCH APPRECIATED STOP LONDON.”

Reginald stared at the wire, his spectacles fogging up. “Metaphor?” he muttered, shaking his head. “They thought it was a metaphor?”

He poured himself a stiff drink, the colour of the Nile after a particularly vigorous sandstorm, and wondered if he should just give up journalism and take up camel herding. It would be much less confusing.

#SuezCamal #TypoTravails #BritishHumor #Thurberesque #JournalismFails #HistoricalHumor #CairoChronicles #LostInTranslation

Tags: Reginald Featherbottom, Suez Canal, Cairo, British journalism, telegram typos, comedy, historical satire, miscommunication, Thurberesque humor, Victorian travel

The True Tales of Reginald Featherbottom, Correspondent of The London Clarion

Chapter I. Reginald Featherbottom and the Great Suez “Camal” Mystery | Cairo (Jan. 15, 2024)
Chapter II. Reginald Featherbottom and The Holy Land | Jerusalem (Feb. 15, 2024)
Chapter III. Reginald Featherbottom Visits the Ottoman Empire | Constantinople (March 15, 2024)
Chapter IV. Reginald Featherbottom and the Audacious Dudley | Cairo (April 15, 2024)
Chapter V. Reginald Featherbottom Befriends a German Spy | Cairo (May 15, 2024)
Chapter VI. Reginald Featherbottom Visits the Berlin Zoo | Berlin (June 15, 2024)