Carrying the Weight of Silence: Time to Tell My Mother the Truth?

Dear Dr. Sami –
When I was 13, family friends stayed in our home, and their 16-year old son was asked to share a double bed with me. Our family is white, and their family is Black. That night, he raped me in my sleep. I was traumatized but couldn’t bring myself to tell my mom. The next night, I tried to sleep on the floor, but mom checked in on us and thought I was avoiding the bed because he was Black. She insisted I get back in bed with him, and that night, he raped me again. For years, this experience has haunted me – not just because of the trauma itself, but because I hate the idea of being seen as racist. I never refused to share the bed because of race – it was because I was trying to protect myself. Now, nearly 20 years later, l’ve worked through a lot of this in therapy, and feel more comfortable talking about it. Should I tell mom what really happened?
– Hurting But Healing

Dear Hurting But Healing,

First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it takes to share this story. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a child, placed in a terrible situation where your voice wasn’t heard, and the trauma you experienced has understandably stayed with you. I’m deeply sorry for what you went through.

Why Tell Your Mom Now?

It sounds like a part of you wants to share this with your mother—not to blame her, but to help her understand something that has shaped your life. The fact that you’ve done work in therapy and now feel more comfortable discussing it means you are in a different place emotionally than you were as a child. This could be an important step in your healing.

Your mother may have no idea that her actions—insisting you return to the bed—had such devastating consequences. If she had known the truth back then, she likely would have reacted differently. Telling her now may help correct any false narratives she has about that time, and, more importantly, it may allow you to release the burden of holding this alone.

Will She Blame Herself?

It’s possible. Most parents, when faced with a situation where they unknowingly contributed to their child’s pain, feel deep guilt. She may struggle to process the fact that she didn’t protect you. But if your goal is simply for her to understand rather than to assign blame, you can frame the conversation with that in mind.

You might say something like:

“Mom, there’s something from my childhood that has haunted me for a long time. I don’t blame you for this, but I need you to know what happened so you can understand why I reacted the way I did back then—and why it has stayed with me.”

This way, you’re reassuring her upfront that your intention is not to hurt her but to share something meaningful.

How to Decide If You’re Ready

Before having the conversation, consider what you hope to gain from it. Are you looking for acknowledgment? An apology? A deeper understanding between you? If you feel telling her will help you heal or strengthen your relationship, then it may be the right choice. If you’re worried about her reaction or how it might affect you emotionally, it’s okay to take more time or seek guidance from your therapist on how to navigate it.

Whatever You Choose, Your Healing Matters

Whether you decide to tell her or not, the most important thing is that you are finding ways to heal. You have already taken steps to process your trauma through therapy, and that is powerful. No matter what, please know that your experience is valid, your pain is real, and you deserve to be heard and supported.

Sending you strength and compassion,
Dr. Sami Milan

National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800.656.HOPE y rainn.org/es)

#HealingFromTrauma #ParentingAndSupport #BreakingTheSilence #SurvivorStories #MentalHealthMatters #DrSamiMilan

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