Dear Dr. Sami – Every morning. I tell myself I’ll have only two drinks in the evening. But after two drinks, with my inhibitions down and my mood soaring, I embark on two more drinks. And frequently… two more after that. The evening becomes a blur and I go to bed and fall asleep. My husband says I am simply passing out. The problem is this: I feel when I’m tipsy that I’m extraordinarily honest with my feelings about our relationship, intimacy, finances, and my view on his career and family. He believes that I become excessively hostile and bitchy. Maybe I am drinking too much. But what concerns me is the rift that this is creating in our marriage. So I have decided I need to do something. I need to become proactive. I need to stop drinking. How do I begin? – Ready to Quit

Dear Ready to Quit,

First of all, I want to acknowledge how powerful it is that you are recognizing this pattern and making the decision to change. That takes immense self-awareness and courage. You already know that your drinking is affecting your marriage, your interactions with your husband, and likely your overall well-being. You’ve reached the point where you’re ready to be proactive—and that is a huge first step.

Understanding the Role of Alcohol in Your Life

You mention that your evening drinking starts with a plan—two drinks—but escalates beyond your control. This is a common experience. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making it easier to override boundaries we set for ourselves. It may also be providing emotional relief, helping you momentarily escape stress, relationship tensions, or internal struggles. But as you’ve seen, the temporary relief comes at a cost: strained communication, potential resentment, and disconnection from your partner.

The fact that your husband perceives your honesty as hostility suggests that alcohol may be amplifying emotions that would be better handled in a clear, sober state. Your feelings about intimacy, finances, and his family are valid—but how and when they are communicated makes all the difference.

Where to Begin: Taking the First Steps

1. Set a Clear, Short-Term Goal
Instead of thinking in absolute terms like “I will never drink again,” start by setting a realistic goal:
    •    “For the next 30 days, I will not drink.”
    •    “For this week, I will try alcohol-free evenings and track how I feel.”
A defined period allows you to experience the benefits of sobriety without overwhelming yourself.
    
2. Replace the Ritual
If alcohol has become part of your evening routine, replace it with something intentional:
    •    Herbal tea, flavored seltzers, or alcohol-free cocktails
    •    Evening walks, a book, or a hobby that keeps your hands and mind occupied
    •    A mindfulness or journaling practice to process your emotions in a different way
    
3. Seek Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Consider:
    •    Speaking with a therapist who specializes in substance use or relationships
    •    Attending a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Moderation Management (MM)
    •    Confiding in a trusted friend who can hold you accountable

4. Communicate with Your Husband Sober
Since alcohol-fueled conversations have been causing tension, try bringing up important topics when you are clear-headed. Let your husband know you are making this change and ask for his support. You might say:
“I realize that my drinking has been affecting our marriage, and I want to make a change. I know we’ve had difficult conversations when I’ve been drinking, and I don’t want that to happen anymore. I’d love to find ways for us to reconnect in a healthier way.”

5.    Identify the Underlying Emotions
If you find yourself drinking to cope with stress, frustration, or dissatisfaction in your marriage, it’s important to address those emotions directly—through therapy, journaling, or honest, sober conversations with your husband.

What Happens If You Slip?

If you have a night where you drink more than you intended, don’t let it derail you. This is a process, and progress isn’t about perfection—it’s about persistence. Reflect on what led to the slip, adjust your approach, and keep moving forward.

The Bigger Picture

You are taking a powerful step not just for your marriage, but for yourself. Cutting out alcohol will allow you to engage in your relationship with clarity, patience, and true emotional honesty. It will give you the chance to communicate in a way that leads to understanding, not conflict.

Your decision to stop drinking is not just about avoiding the negatives—it’s about creating space for something better. A healthier marriage, a clearer mind, and a stronger sense of self. You’ve already taken the first step. Keep going.

With Compassion,
Dr. Sami Milan

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