Balancing Compassion, Practicality: Sponsoring Family Member in Need

Dear Dr. Milan –

I married a man about half my age, from the other side of the world. Awkwardly, his mother is a few years younger than I am. Recently, we have discovered his mother is being abused by her husband (his father). We want to invite her to come stay with us in New York to get away from him and find safety. However, my husband is now suggesting she stay permanently and that we sponsor her for her green card. She has never worked because she stayed home to take care of their home and she does not speak English. Being younger than me, I find it rather awkward. But I want to do the right thing. Can you tell me what the right thing is?

– Nice Guy in New York

Dear Nice Guy,

You are facing a very challenging situation where empathy, practicality, and personal boundaries are all at play. It’s clear that you want to do the right thing by supporting your mother-in-law, but there are a few important factors to consider before making such a big commitment.

1. Emotional and Practical Boundaries

First, it’s important to acknowledge the complex dynamics here. You’ve already navigated an age gap and cultural differences in your marriage, and now you’re facing the reality of inviting a family member into your home under difficult circumstances. You want to support your husband, but your own feelings of awkwardness are valid, especially given the close proximity to your mother-in-law’s age.

It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you feel. You can express that while you want to help his mother, you’re not sure about the permanence of the arrangement, particularly given the emotional and financial responsibility that would come with sponsoring her for a green card.

You could say something like:

“I want to support your mom, and I agree she needs to get away from the abuse. However, I’m concerned about what permanent living arrangements and sponsorship would mean for us, especially given our current situation. I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of her living with us indefinitely, and I think we need to talk about what the long-term plan looks like for everyone.”

This approach communicates your willingness to help while also making space for your own feelings and concerns.

2. Practical Considerations of Sponsorship

Sponsoring a green card for someone is a significant commitment, both legally and financially. Beyond housing her, there are the realities of providing for her well-being, especially given that she hasn’t worked in the past and may not have skills to support herself independently in the U.S.

It’s important to consider whether you and your husband can fully support her—not just physically, but also emotionally and financially. If her permanent stay in your home is part of the plan, you should have a clear understanding of what that might entail in the years ahead.

You might want to consider speaking to an immigration attorney to understand the legal process and any potential complications. Are there other ways you can help her without the permanent commitment? For example, can she stay temporarily while you help her find resources and legal support to explore other options, such as seeking protection and independence in the U.S.?

3. Impact on Your Marriage and Family Life

This decision will not only affect your relationship with your mother-in-law but also your relationship with your husband. While it’s admirable that he wants to help his mother, your feelings are equally important. It’s essential to find a balance between supporting his wishes and honoring your own needs.

It could help to set boundaries early on to protect your own space and ensure that your relationship continues to thrive. You can find a solution that allows your mother-in-law to get the support she needs, but also ensures that your family unit remains intact and healthy.

For example, you might suggest:

“Maybe we can support her emotionally by helping her find a safe place to stay temporarily while she gets the help she needs. If we sponsor her for a green card, we would need to be sure we can provide for her in the long term. Let’s think about what is best for all of us before making any permanent decisions.”

4. Compassionate Help Without Overextending

Offering temporary support may allow you to help her escape the abuse without committing to a permanent living arrangement. You could consider offering to connect her with domestic violence resources or temporary housing programs, or you could offer help navigating legal options for her.

Helping her transition into a safer, more independent life may be a better long-term solution than permanently integrating her into your household, especially if this would bring complications or strains on your relationship.

Final Thoughts

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your situation, but your first priority should always be the well-being of your family—yourself, your husband, and your children. You can support your mother-in-law without putting your family’s emotional or financial stability at risk. Taking the time to carefully weigh the practical, emotional, and legal consequences will allow you to make the best decision for everyone involved.

Warmly,
Dr. Sami Milan

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